Off the Cuff: Our New National Motto
That was a declaration of war, and that is precisely why I’ve voted for convicted felon Donald Trump three times and will vote for him again if given the chance.
Too bad about the missing page. Surely you’ve heard by now that a page was mysteriously missing from convicted felon the Donald’s inaugural address. You may have noticed him pausing about mid-way through the speech for a couple of seconds and glancing over at Biden, who was grinning from ear to ear, thinking he was attending his birthday party.
But do not despair because the Don of Donalds, convicted felon, sent me a copy of the entire speech, including the missing page, a few days prior to his inauguration.
And he has authorized me to release the transcript of the missing page. It reads:
“As of today, I am putting a stop to the misbehavior of America’s brat brigade…children, that is. Not my children, mind you. My children are standing behind me. Do you see them squirming in their seats? Whining things like, “When are we leaving,” throwing tantrums, hitting each other? No, you don’t. And that, right there, is an example of how all children, regardless of age, should behave. Like my children. Okay, kids, you can leave now. Go home, go to your rooms, and wait for me to get there and spank the livin’ daylights out of you. Just kidding. I’m a kidder.
“Today, this afternoon, before five o’clock Eastern Time, I am signing an executive order instructing parents to diminish their children’s status in the family. Like any other organization, a family cannot function properly unless the right people are in charge, and the only right people to be in charge in the American family are the parents, one male, one female.
(PAUSE FOR STANDING OVATION AND LOTS OF WOO-WOO!)
“As anyone with commonsense—and remember, my administration is all about common sense—knows that children are not qualified to run a family. Why, then, are they obviously in charge in so many families? Good question. I always ask good questions. Because beginning some fifty-five years ago, around the same time the Beatles broke up because of the terrorist Yoko, psychologists and other mental health morons told parents that the parent-child relationship should be conducted as if it were a relationship between equals. They called it the ‘democratic family.’
“Little did parents know that if you treat a child like an equal it’s only a matter of time before the child is your superior. Or thinks he is, and acts like he is, and punishes you if you do not cooperate. Many of you out there are being punished by your children every day. That’s going to stop, and IT’S GOING TO STOP TODAY!
(PAUSE FOR STANDING OVATION AND LOTS OF WOO-WOO!)
“Parents bending over at the waist when they speak to their children, like they are serfs and the children are potentates…that is going to STOP!
(CONTINUE STANDING OVATION)
“Parents buying their children everything they want…that is going to STOP!
“Children not lifting a finger around the house…that is going to STOP!
(STANDING OVATION GROWS LOUDER, BUT BIDEN, HARRIS, THE CLINTONS, AND HUSSEIN OBAMA REMAIN SITTING, LOOKING LIKE THEY’RE HAVING NO FUN AT ALL)
“Children receiving smart phones before they can pay for them themselves…that is going to STOP!
“Parents ending instructions to children with the word ‘okay?’…that is going to STOP!
“Children disturbing the general peace by throwing tantrums…that is going to STOP!
“And that’s just the short list. It is time that the world stops laughing at the behavior of American children. We are going to make American parenting great again! We are going to make American children obedient again! That’s M…A…C…O…A, MACOA!
(CROWD BEGINS CHANTING, “MACOA! MACOA! MACOA!...)
“Yes, folks, believe it or not, children are going to be subservient again! Obedient again! Respectful again! And bullies will be forced to cage fight my friend, Elon, who has a black belt in Irish Martial Arts!
(STANDING OVATION BEGINS TO GET OUT OF HAND…BIDEN AND KAMALA GET INTO A FIST FIGHT, THE CLINTONS, WELL, THEY BEGIN ACTING LIKE THE CLINTONS)
“Immediately after this speech, I am ordering the Department of Homeland Security to establish boot camps for misbehaving children, where they will be sent and remain until they are rehabilitated. The director of this boot camp operation is Nurse Ratched! There she is! Nurse Mildred Ratched, stand up! A week with Ratched and your kids will be calling you ma’am and sir again! That’s right! I’m a convicted felon! I know Ratched well! Believe me, she can do the job!
“As of tonight at midnight, our new national motto will be ‘Let Ratched Ratchet Your Kids!’
(CROWD GOES ABSOLUTELY WILD, LIKE JANUARY 6 ONLY WORSE)
“And I’m appointing John Rosemond to the newly-created office of Parenting Czar!”
(EVERYONE GOES BONKERS, JUMPING UP AND DOWN FOR JOY, BOPPING ONE ANOTHER OVER THE HEAD WITH NERF BATS, WOMEN SHRIEKING, MEN FAINTING…)
And that’s where the teleprompter kicked back in, right around the point where the Don of Donald’s, convicted felon, begin talking about putting the entire Democrat contingent, sitting to the Donald’s left, on trial for remaining seated during all but one standing ovation.
Copyright 2025, John K. Rosemond, Parenting Czar to the United States of America
Loved this, John! You’re right. That was missing from the speech. But I, too, noticed that President Trump’s grandchildren were all perfectly behaved, as were J.D. Vance’s children.
Lately I’ve watched some videos of police officers corralling miscreants, especially drunk drivers. Instead of issuing commands, which are called for, they say, “I need you to get out of the car, OK?” “I need you to walk over to my police car, OK?” “I need you to sit in my police car, OK?” The miscreants, in response, act like toddlers throwing tantrums. I find myself wondering why these cops seem so tentative and if they would experience fewer meltdowns by miscreants if they behaved in a more commanding way. You know, like my parents would have. I don’t care how drunk I was, there is no way I’d try to throw down with a cop but I guess people do it all the time. Maybe that’s just how they were raised.
Needed some humor today and you came through John! Thank you. I am reading “Grandma Was Right After All.” Thank you for writing that little masterpiece. I think you would be a wonderful asset to the Department of Education if you have the energy and opportunity.